There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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