I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
