I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
