my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
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How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
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He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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