I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
