her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
