I'm so fucking centered right now
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
