you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my phone needs a breathalizer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
