So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
