This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
