new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
