Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
