I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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