i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
