I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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