took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
