I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
