When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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