i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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