I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
