There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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