My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
