Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
