Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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