I just pynch a tree in the face
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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