i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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