I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
