I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
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I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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