I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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