i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
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Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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