I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
