ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize