I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
