Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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