Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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