WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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