i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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