I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
