Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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