oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We need to rekindle our bromance
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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