I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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