Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
