Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
