"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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