if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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