It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
