i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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