I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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