On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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