How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
