hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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