Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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