dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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