u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
