Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
thus making me awesome and them whores
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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