I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So squirting runs in the family.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
