if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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