To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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