I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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