just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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